Category: Memoir

Memoir

Loss

Loss.

The memory comes back. Distinct. Clear. From 1972. One hot, humid afternoon in Kediri, Indonesia.

I’m just arriving at our home. After being away for high school a couple of months. In Jakarta.

Standing outside. Reaching for the handle of the screen door. And suddenly a subconscious map surfaces. One I never knew was there.

A map of presence. Home and those who belong in it.

Without warning, the realization of deep loss hits. Full force. There’s an empty space on that map.

The place where my sister Ann has always been.

Grief. Tangible.

Me with Momma and my new baby sister, Ann. Bangkok, Thailand. 1961.

The shifting in our souls comes unbidden. Change is on the way. Undefined and unexplained. Untraceable.

Yet we know.

This surprises. Perplexes. How do we leave the incomplete? People we love? Those yet to turn and follow Christ?

We bring questions and loose ends before Him. Wrestle in prayer. Wanting specifics, really.

Silence.

Mystery and wonder. Image by Benjaminrobyn Jespersen on Unsplash.

“Hmm,” my college art teacher says. Then again, “Hmmmm.”

She’s looking over my shoulder. At the simple drawing. Graphite lines. Bare bones to plan and guide the assigned painting.

“Bigger. Go big!” She says. With increasing volume. Her arms flying out for emphasis. “Stretch it out. Go biiiig.”

The startling command contrasts with my small, neat pencil sketch. So confined and contained.