Parenting teens

I remember the day it hit me. Specific prayer for my teen was a much more effective way to persuade her to do something.  Words seemed to have little effect. Even triggered resistance. And created a rift between us, making matters worse. 

But silent prayers by faith—with a sincere heart—brought change in a way my parental speeches had not.

And praying changed me. Helped me consider what was true. What was necessary. Brought back memories of my own journey in adolescence.

This experiment was a process. And led to a few practices that paid off in building relationships with our teens. 

Pray

I needed to pray for them first. I poured out my heart to God. Usually, this was in a journal as I spent time in His Word and in prayer.  

If you look through my Bible you will find the initials or names of our children in the margins. Next to specific verses. There’s usually a date noted—the day I prayed that verse for that child.  Some have several dates stacked by a verse. 

I keep records of the Scripture references I’ve felt led to pray for each one. 

Listen

Secondly, I learned to listen. 

Having teens made for lively in-the-car after-school discussions on the way home. And interesting dinner table conversations punctuated with laughter. It fascinated me to hear what they were learning. How opinions were forming. Who they admired. What disgusted them. Which music was their favorite.

It was important to listen first to our teens’ opinions without rushing in to correct or challenge them. To hear them out. 

This was hard.  Sometimes it was a fight to keep a check on my tongue. And I failed plenty of times. 

Our children are young adults now. They can tell you I’m still learning how to listen and not cut in too soon.

Wait

Third, I learned to wait on the Lord. “Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart be courageous. Wait for the Lord” (Psalm 27:14).  His answers to my prayers were not always on my desired timetable. It took courage to pray and wait. And wait some more. 

Be strong?  Some of these waiting times were confusing. When I felt at my weakest. But keeping my eyes on Him and His Word gave me what I needed to wait. [related post: Waiting for the Lord]

Watch

Fourth, I watched for signs of His work in their lives. How He was moving. Answers to specific prayers. Reasons to rejoice.

For example, we had prayed for godly mentors and role models in their lives.  People who could speak into their lives, call out their strengths and gifts. Encourage them in the Lord. I look back now and can name the answers to those prayers. 

Witness

Fifth, I looked for ways to share what I was learning in the Word of God and let them know I was praying for them. In fact, I often prayed aloud for them as we drove to school or before they went out the door to the school bus.

New season

Parenting is the hardest and most fulfilling calling of my life. The arena where I’ve felt most inadequate, yet most dependent on my heavenly Father for wisdom and guidance. In the painful seasons, there’s been this thing called grace. Sustaining us, flowing through the cracks. Sufficient for parent and child. 

We’re in a new season now. Our children are young adults. Independent, or getting there. But in this empty nest, I’m finding some things do not change. 

We still pray. And listen. Wait on the Lord.  Watch for His work in their lives. And give a witness of His Word and His ways.  

What about you?

What have you found helpful as you’ve related to adolescents? If you’re a parent, what is the most helpful advice you’ve received for parenting teens?